cynicalpessimistic

Closet Intellectual

Dear mother (part 1)

Dear Mother,

Tell me again, was it worth it?
When you decided that your pain didn’t matter
When you felt her life shatter
In the palm of your mothers hand
The other choice was you but she took the grand

It doesn’t make sense
How you forgot you loved me
Or said you loved me.

You’re evasive
You replaced me
I wasn’t good enough
I was a messy scruff

But you made it so
You made me so

I’m everything and nothing at the same time
I’m cutting my skin and have starved myself
almost to death

BUT YOU STILL CRY
NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU SHOULD – WHY?!
“YOU’RE NOT A GUY. YOU SHOULDN’T DIE.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS.
I DON’T SEE THE CORRELATION…
SO I’M NOT COMING BACK”

So I tried to end it
A thousand times
And a thousand times
I started to exist again

When do I start to live?
The time I have left
Is going through a sieve….

The pain from your absent love
Is worst than a taser to the calf…
And believe you me
I’ve had that more than enough
For being a bit rough
And having a killer’s touch

But you knew that didn’t you?
You knew it so stop.

It’s all out there now
You wouldn’t believe it
But now you know
Why you couldn’t speak to me on the phone
Cause I was banged up in those four walls.

Secluded…
Abusive…
But some how…
a m u s i n g.

Give Mental Illness a Smack – PROCRASTINATE!

It goes without saying; I procrastinate a whole lot. Now usually people procrastinate over “normal” things like doing some office work or a bit of overdue house cleaning. I, however, procrastinate over going to the loo, thinking to myself: “ooh I can just hold it for as long as it takes for me to finish watching this episode of the last series” Suddenly the concept of pausing becomes oblivious to me and it’s funny that because, when I am looking at the things that I do not procrastinate over, there’s a bit of a conflicting issue there. And at the top of the list is self – loathing. There is not a day when I do not have such a negative outlook on everything, when I am not hating the world, hating myself, I always have time for it. Realising this, I think, is a step in the right direction.

Delving into my past just a touch, will help some to understand a bit more. Like everyone in this damned world, I suffer from mental illness(es). A bit more severe than a handful but nonetheless, I have been diagnosed with Recurrant Depressive Disorder and Emotionally Unstable Disorder of a Borderline Type. Personally, I don’t think that is the case; merely a psychiatrist who couldn’t put the work in, threw nonchalantly whatever he deemed fit while reading ‘psychiatry for dummies’ on his lunch break. Obviously i’m taking a cheap jibe in digression here. Where was I? Oh yes, my past. Well after being admitted to 7 different psychiatric hospitals in various parts of the UK over the span of two years, you would think that I must be doing well if I’m out of hospital. You’d have thought wrong. Self-harm plays a big part in my everyday life. And to me, self-harm is more than just the physical harming to oneself. It can also be mental – telling myself that I am not good enough to amount to anything. I always have time for it. I always make time for it. Why is that? Who do simple tasks like having a shower or getting up at an appropriate time in the morning always have to be second guessed or not even done at all. But the thought of taking a blade to my skin – before I even dare to convince myself for the thousandth time that it does not make me feel better after, it’s done.

Something tells me that it’s not just me. I realised this a while back and medication goes hand in hand with determination – don’t depend on it.

So this is what I say: PROCRASTINATE. When you feel the urge to have a self-loathing verbal outburst, PROCRASTINATE. Shout at the top of your voice: “I am special and I am worthy of love. When you get that itch to inevitably scar that precious skin of yours, PROCRASTINATE. Play a song, call a friend, call a helpline. Do something. Do anything! Run outside and scream profanity at the world… and before you know it, you’ve forgotten what got you into a muck in the first place. I’ll be honest. I say this, but it doesn’t always work. But I tell you what, it’s been just under a month now and I’ve never felt better for managing to procrastinate sometimes.

Don’t blame yourself for being something that isn’t you. You are worth your weight in gold. All of you. I can’t sit here and be a hypocrite about this and say I can do it every time I get an urge but dammit, trying is gracious. It means you – no! – we! – thought about something positive. And that is a better life. We are more than just a statistic or a diagnosis. We are humans. And humans deserve to love themselves as much as anyone else loves them too.

Love you all 🙂

 

…and if i have the strength to end it all, i have the strength to start again. My story doesn’t end here; this chapter does.

Music 24 – Making Music Matter

Now, as a music lover, I would never pass up the opportunity to plug in my guitar and try to learn my newest favourite song or when I’m doing a bit of cleaning around the house, to get me going, a bit of lunchtime radio might just do the trick. But what happens when your head suddenly becomes a horrible place to be? When you think of everything except thoughts of things that make you happy? Food has lost its taste, scents have lost its smell and the world becomes a very dark place. There are many ways in which one can cope with such situations on their own or with medication, but most need just a bit of extra help. That’s where Music 24 comes in.

Music 24 is a not-for-profit establishment based in Luton. They offer Music Therapy and other music based activities in Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire. Graeme Davis and Teela Hughes are the co-founders of Music 24 which was established in 2014 in the month of April. Their main aim is to work with people who, let’s say, have been through and/or still going through tough circumstances in life such as, a learning disability, Dementia, mental illnesses and much more.

Upon my first encounter with Music 24, I was on a psychiatric ward (not for the first time mind you) and had been told by the nurses and support workers there that “Music Therapy” would be a regular thing for the next six months. Frankly, I was a tad sceptical about it because usually when people come in to keep patients occupied on the ward, they are not the happiest looking people on the planet. Sometimes they tend to be condescending by way of manner and speech. In relation to music, well some couldn’t even play an instrument so patients would show lack of interest in the activity resulting in the activity to be discontinued. Music 24 however, are so much more different. They speak to you like you are a human being, which sounds like an obvious thing, but I should point out that the opposite happens on a regular basis when people from the public come in to provide a service. They also can play instruments to a brilliant standard. That in itself is all they had to do really. Just play. And sure enough the other patients joined in. The best part is, you don’t have to be great at it. Just making sounds with an instrument is enough to stimulate the mind. Me being doubtful, it took me a while to get in the swing of things, but when I saw the guitar, I lit up with joy. Memories of teaching myself how to play this sweet instrument came flooding back and I was itching to play. A few weeks went by and not only was I excited about seeing all the instruments, but I was excited to see the people that had brought them in. struggling with depression, I would have been still stuck in bed. But it was the sheer simplicity of music that got me up, playing, singing and dancing.

This is where I ask the question to myself; clearly music is like a drug – so they say, but what’s more important here? Music activities and having fun or being highly dosed on medication and possibly becoming dependant on them for the rest of your life? Its about getting people their lives back or continuing it with their condition in the best way they possibly can. That, in my opinion, is what Music 24 is all about.

When asked what it’s like to work with people with mental health conditions, Graeme of Music 24 explains: “it’s a privilege to work with the people on the wards. They are so creative and the talent is virtually untapped and therefore quite raw. This is like fuel that feeds the energy that people bring to the sessions.

“It’s equally sad because of the pain they are experiencing. A double-edged sword. Whilst medication is highly important and clearly a priority, it does seem to deprived people of their uniqueness and spontaneous creativity.

“With regards to the future, we’re just fresh off the starting blocks for expanding into Hertfordshire, however with our Dementia work. Our mental health work is more about getting people to realise their ability and use it to increase self-worth, confidence and inspire ambition. We’d like to offer work to the talented people we come across, this gives people a sense of purpose and belonging but is very much for a select few rather than curing the masses…. We’d like to offer more creative opportunities and alternatives to creating lasting coping mechanisms to prevent relapse and such”

To simply put it, Music 24 made my stay as an inpatient, bearable and filled with enjoyment and laughter and has motivated me to keep banging away on my guitar in my spare time. Thank you for your time and the service you provide for people like me.

To make any enquires visit their website here

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Address:

65-67 Bute Street

Luton

Bedfordshire

LU1 2EY