I’m dead. I died on the 31st of August 2012. I was involved in a car crash, my mum, dad, brother and sister was in the car with me. They all survived. If you are dead, you say, then how are you telling this story? Well it all started 2 months after I died. The world was getting weird. Planes were falling out of the sky, people were disappearing, children never stopped crying and they were reports of alien abduction in every country. The president was shot dead at a conference and from that point on, everyone knew that something big was about to happen.
I was busy turning in my grave when I heard footsteps coming from above. I do not know nor have I ever discovered who was creeping around my grave at 3’oclock in the morning. But it was scary I felt as though it would have been my sister or my brother but that couldn’t be possible, they would be asleep at this time. I felt the oxygen coming in a bit more and me being able to move more freely. I knew then that someone was digging and digging and digging the dirt off the top of my grave. Then that’s when I heard a creaking noise; and I was certain, someone was breaking into my coffin. It was a man who, a part from smelling like cheese, had crazy hair. He said things in a language I was sure was from Africa then poured a liquid from a phial over my body. He replaced the coffin top, re-earthed me then left without hesitation. Over night I moved and shook then found out I had the ability to move my hands and legs. And I was no longer in my head I could actually make noises and sounds from my mouth. With great excitement I knew that I was alive and broke out of my coffin (which was badly put back together).
I felt as though I’d been asleep for a thousand years. My bones were cracking and I had a splitting headache. I looked at myself and saw what I had become – a zombie with skin like I had been eaten alive and I reeked of sweat and regret. Regret of what exactly? I was soon to find out, I was sure of it. The cemetery was dark and cold and the air was moist. I could see others like me in the distance. Could his person he revived me from the dead have done this to everyone else? And that’s when I realised it was not just us in the cemetery who had been turned into a zombie; it was the whole world – or at least the surrounding area. I knew what this was and when I was a human I was apprehensive but happy about this very moment. This was a, nay, the, zombie apocalypse and who knew I’d be a part of it? Suddenly I didn’t care about me dying or being dead or anything else in the world. All I cared about was making friends and being the best zombie I could ever be. I noticed another zombie coming towards me in the midst of my epiphany. In this story, the undead speak English. Who would have thought huh? The unnamed zombie was getting closer so I decided to say hello and attempted to wave then I remembered that I wasn’t very capable in doing so and in the action, my arm fell off. Stupid zombie limbs.
“Hello” said the unknown zombie.
“My name is Joseph, what’s yours?” I replied.
“Sam. Or at least that’s what my name was before I died. The others call me Raaahgu. So what’s your zombie name?
“My zombie name…” I said a little uncertain
“Don’t worry about it. You’ll get one soon enough”
“So… zombie apocalypse huh? Who would have thought?”
“Yes I know but it’s awesome isn’t it?”
“Yeah it is” I replied.
Sam and I decided to leave the cemetery to explore the rest of the city. To tell you the truth the place was in tatters. Buses were turned over, dead or unconscious bodies were laid out on the ground and the stench was horrendous; it smelt like rotting flesh and unwashed genitalia. I realised my pace as I saw Sam trudging along in front of me. As zombies, running will result in our flesh falling off and our limbs breaking so I guess it was smart to keep trudging. We came across some others zombies by a broken down supermarket and said hello they sort of waved back. Well as much as their arms would let them.
“Hello, what are your names?” said one of the unknown zombies
“I’m Joseph and he’s Sam” I replied
“Nice. I’m Simon and these are the rest. They don’t speak English” one of the other zombies started making a noise that wasn’t pleasant. “He’s saying hello”
“what?” replied Simon
“You speak zombie dude”?
Simon managed a face palm and said quietly, “moving on”
Shortly after Simon told us about how he died around a thousand years ago and has only been a zombie for around two years (I didn’t know zombies could keep track of time), a loud bang came from inside the supermarket and after a while one could smell the faint scent of burned flesh. Suddenly, we noticed ash falling from the sky. Or so we thought it was. Turns out that there were a bunch of humans in the supermarket hiding out and a bunch of zombies have just been blown up and what we though was ash was actually zombie residue. Yuck. After we had found a place to hide out for a bit (behind a bush), Simon told us how the zombies play a game called ‘Dodge The Bullet’ which requires the zombies, humans and a sawed-off shotgun.
“How it is played really is simple. You get in the way of the humans and you try not to get shot in the head. Body, good. Head, bad. Capisce?
“Awesome!” exclaimed Sam
“Excuse me!” I protested “I’m already dead I don’t want to die again! And permanently this time“
“Anyway… so Sam you ready?” asked Simon
“What… what now” said Sam? Suddenly he wasn’t so enthusiastic about this.
“joseph, you ready?”
“No Simon. Just no.” I replied
“Great so we’re all set then. And one more thing- don’t speak English you’ll freak them out and they’ll run away making the game not so fun so I’m going to give you a crash course on how to speak zombie. They don’t understand it so I’ll teach you a few words and you just have to repeat them over and over even though they don’t make sense. So, first things first – raahhh. It means raahhh. Basically. Humans understand that one. It’s a child-under-the-sheet-halloween-ghost kind of thing. I…”
I couldn’t keep a serious face on (as if my zombie face wasn’t comical enough) but I continued to listen.
“… like this next one It’s simple: arghhhgurahhh. It means ‘I’m going to eat your face off’ so you can just say those two and…”
I burst into hysterical zombie laughter. “dude! You have got to be kidding me”
I could tell that Simon had had enough of my crap. “shut up joseph. Okay let’s do this”
We zombie walked to the nearest supermarket where we heard that loud explosion from before. We made noises and spoke angry zombie and we heard some of the humans scream and a gunshot. We were entering the supermarket now on the hunt for humans. In a matter of seconds it was game on. We heard more gunshots and surprisingly we were able to run really fast. The humans came out of hiding and were shouting profanity at us. We all dispersed into different directions. “die you undead foul unhumans” said one human. I got close to one human and started clobbering at their heads. Then I bit him on his arm and he screamed “Sarah! I need a bit of help here” all of a sudden, an overweight lady of about 30 came charging from the sweets and biscuit aisle with an AK-47 she shouted “get off my husband you naked mummy” and fired shots around my chest. I remembered that I only had one arm and just as I did, my arm got shot off and I fell to the floor. The man got up and ran away with the lady called Sarah and disappeared into the drinks aisle.
I started to get up and I trudged along to see if I could find Simon and Sam. I couldn’t. there was too much blood and dead bodies everywhere. I was getting the hang of the game so far no one I knew had got shot in the head but not for long. I heard crying coming from around the corner and ran towards it. It was a little boy of about five. I instantly thought of biting him but then I remembered my brother and it all just came back to me. I stayed still for too long. I had not paid attention to my surrounding. Then all I head was “JOSEPH LOOK OUT!” I heard two piercing sniper shots. And the third? Went straight through my zombie brain. And that was the end of me.
After all the humans were dead Simon and Sam were still alive they realised I was gone and mourned the way zombies did. I do not know nor was it ever discovered who shot me that day. I just guess it was fate and I deserved to be put to rest. And permanently this time.